The Curious Case of Avan the Gaysian.

Just like every other single person, gaysian or otherwise, out there I occasionally think about why is it that I am single.Which of course, involves looking over past relationships and crushes, leading to me wanting about a tub of ice cream and to smack my head against the wall repeatedly.

You see, I think everyone that dates settles into a pattern, of what they do repeatedly to start, extend, and then inevitably destroy a relationship, until they finally break out and start doing something more then just "date", but to actually and truly "be" with someone. To me, saying that you're "dating" someone means nothing, and in the case of many of my friends, that's what it eventually amounts to, nothing. And I am just the same.

Looking back on my dating life, if it's even enough to call a life, I've realized that my own pattern is quite ugly. Well as my friends used to put it, when i was still doing the whole "cruising" scene, my requirements were, no joke, :
1. He must have been raped (While this sounds horrible, as it turns out, it was pretty much true)
2. My fellow gaysian must have already talked to him (Which i suppose means I only like rice queens? some food for thought).
3. He must be latino, or some deviation that i could find suitable (Which did not include phillipinos)

This is of course, after I had actually dated two guys, well...dated one guy and "testdrove" another, neither of which ended very pretty. Ironically I still talk to both, not on the daily, but it's not as awkward as it could be. I say this of course, after an entire semester of ducking out of streets, and literally running away from my first ex until I decided it wasn't worth it.

But for all my requirements, and hang ups on dating and love, I've come to realize that once I like you, even if I stop, I refuse to let go of you totally. Regardless if it hurts, and regardless if it'd be easier for the both of us if i did, I simply cannot. I end up talking to my exes about their new boyfriends, which admittedly doesn't hurt anymore, and help them anyway I can within reason. Yet it's the ones that I liked and that "got away" that I have the real issues with.

Those are the ones that it feels like i'm being stabbed when I talk to them, and for some reason they always feel drawn to me with their emotional baggage, as if we all don't have enough on our own. These are the ones that tell me about who they like and are chasing after, and that I'm forced to comfort while wishing I could be the one they'd chase. Indeed, I am "that guy".

Yet, for all the pain this causes, and the fights that I have with friends because of it, I wouldn't change myself. This is who I am. Someone who cares for others more then he should, because that's all I know how to do. It's such a contradiction to who I am, but in a way, it's the only way I can feel alive. Through the bullshit I constantly dredge up from my past, through my inability to feel emotions as everyone else does, through all the loneliness that every person holds, which I refuse to ignore or hide like so many others. We are born as people who require affection and the need to socialize, and as such it only makes sense that we live that way.

I'm not trying to say that everyone's pattern is particularly bad, or that I'm suddenly off my own, or that I'm even trying. What I am trying to say that whether what we do works or not, the very fact we keep trying means something. And what so many people forget as they say "It never works out, it never has worked out, etc" is that, in life you only need it to work out once.

~I'm your biggest fan,
I'll follow you until you love me...~

-That's right bitches. I'm going to hunt you down until I get the conclusion I want.