Friday, August 13, 2010

If I wake up tomorrow will you still be here?

It's been a while since i've found the will to blog, not by a lack of things to bitch ab-, i'm sorry i mean rant, about it's just that things have been hectic. Which is basically my excuse meaning that i've been lazy and just couldn't have been bothered! But July has come and passed, and along with it the bulk of my summer is over and all I have to show for it is a few nights of fun and intoxication, a night full of lady gaga that I won't soon forget, and knowing just how horrid it is to live in Texas without any AC. However, this post isn't about all of that, nor is it about school that's just looming ahead. Instead this post is dedicated to a singular entity, to a turning point in my life that while it wouldn't seem all that important to others, is of great significance to me.

Now that summer is almost over, another round of friends will be starting college, and this time I'm losing the one person I've depended upon for so long. Even if we didn't hang out often, or were often together we were both a necessity to each other's continued sanity. And while i must bid adieu to one Elleanor Eng, I can send her off with the best wishes, and the knowledge that even if we part, I believe that fate will bring us together once again. And so for that, I don't say good-bye, but see you again. To my Will, you'll always be my Grace. The only person I can say I love you to, and mean it at all. :] ♥

I feel the sun creeping up like tick tock
I'm trying to keep you in my head but if not
We'll just keep running from tomorrow with our lips locked.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Don't Live In Vain, Make every moment matter.

For some reason the wee hours of morning, or more realistically the late hours of night, is the time where my mind automatically feels the need to wax poetic monologues and as such I must oblige. It's 240 AM, and I am tired, sore, and in need of so many things, yet I'm only able to put my finger on a few of them. Having so many random events happen this weekend has made me think about a lot of things, one of which is that I don't care whether or not my life has "meaning" in the sense that so many people strive for. I don't wish to be remembered long after I'm gone, becoming a relic of the past holds no fear over me. Yet, the one thing I want ever so selfishly is to simply enjoy my life. To have friends who matter, to have done the things that I wanted to accomplish, and to create some goals to eventually fulfill.

To this end I suppose I should explain more on what this means or at least entails partially. I'm not gonna say I have a bucket list or some such thing, I'm only 19 what do I know on what life will bring or what I'll want. I think a continually updating list of wants and needs makes so much more sense. There are a lot of long term goals I have, lofty or not. I want to eventually become a psychiatrist, to help people who like myself don't completely fit in with their surroundings although I suppose it's a much more extreme feeling for them then me. To just obtain this goal there are so many tasks to reach it, it seems daunting. But, that's how you know something in life is worth it right? I have to make it through my undergrad at UT, move onto grad, learn to connect with people on a real level, learn to start a business potentially if I don't want to work erratic hours, learn to separate what I deal with for a job and what I want my personal life to be. The effort just one goal takes can seem too much, but you just have to keep pushing for the things you want. No use in giving up half way.

Not all my goals are realistically possible or even important, but they are just there to guide what you do, to provide some motivation. I also want to travel, see New York, find the allure that so many people can't stop talking about. I want to perhaps understand love, find it, breathe it. I want to become "fit", which is actually a work in progress at the moment.

And at the end of the day, the month, the year, my life, I want to be able to say that I didn't waste my life doing nothing, chasing after shooting stars to find there is no magic at the end. I want to be able to show something of what I've done, be it through stories or pictures. The good times, the equally important bad.  There's nothing worse then to live in vain, too afraid or lazy to go after what they wanted. I don't have any real regrets now, and I don't intend to start.

Every moment is a chance to do something new, to create something wonderful, to live an exhilarating life that one dreams of. Don't waste it.

Monday, July 12, 2010

The greatest frienemy in existance.

When  I had originally planned this post out in my head, it was different, but recent events have changed my mind.

The premise still remains the same however, in any person's life I believe that the greatest frienemy you'll ever meet will be your own parents. They'll be the ones that you love, and yet want to bang their heads against a wall until they can somehow comprehend you. As family, you're duty bound to love them, and the reverse is true. It sounds so shallow, yet the bond itself is deep ironically. I've had my battles, as have my sibling, but through it out we both have never said we hated our parents. We hate certain aspects, and we hate their ignorance, but as we grow older we learn the all important "Why" of things. We learn why they treated us the way they did, the actions they took that they thought were correct, regardless of whether it was true or not.

The unavoidable truth is, that we will do the exact same with our children. Because as a parent, they're goal isn't to be your friend, in fact it's turned out that kind of attitude is usually detrimental to a child's development. They do what they feel will keep you alive, and with the best conditions they can provide. Whether they do this in a kind and, well, sane manner is up to their culture, ideals, environment.

I think the thing we forget about our parents, the frienemy, is that there is a reason they're both. When we inevitably fuck up in our lives, it's hard for them to accept whatever we've done, and that they're scared that we'll do something even worse. Or in my case at the moment, they're unable to handle the life choices we make.

I, against my will, actually followed my own advice from a previous post, and came out to my parents. I had wanted to do it on my own terms when the time was right, but like most things we try to plan out, got shot to hell.

Apparently, my aunt from the great ol' mormon state of Utah found out about my facebook and saw my interested in men status, as well as my pictures which are less then innocent. Sidenote: I have learned the greatness that is, limited profile, everyone should implement it in their lifes!

Long story short, I had a falling out with my dad as almost my entire family now knows I'm gay, and I'm still unclear on my current relationship to my mom.

But after thinking long and hard I've realized that as a group the gay community needs to learn that although we think of coming out as a solely personal experience it is not. It not only affects us, it affects our families and those we tell. We can't simply expect them to suddenly accept it, and be fine with it. It can conflict with their personal feelings on the matter, and we must accept that. Although things are strained now, I can only hope that things will get better between me and my frienemies.

Frienemy - The state of being both a friend and an enemy, perhaps not equally.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

My Maury Moment of the Day

So my lovelies, if you recall my earlier post about grindr, you might be aware that I had been trying to quit the junk. Which, as you may now have guessed already I miserably failed. It's somehow addictive, talking to strangers when you've got absolutely nothing else to do at the moment.

Anyhow, ever since i really started using the damn app almost a year ago now, there has been one man I've talked to pretty regularly. I should mention that he's probably mid-30's but hell, perhaps I just have a daddy complex? Either way he's been a nice guy to talk to, never really in a sexual way although I wouldn't have said no.

Now cut to just a few days ago, where I started to talk to a new guy, this time 18 and the biggest twink in the world, not my usual cup of tea the twinks. Especially when they're younger then me, but his personality was similar to mine, and he was fun to talk to as well.

Now cut to 5 minutes ago when twink told me hot daddy was his roomate, and that he considered him his dad. I'm flirting my way through a family. Gag me with a spoon please!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Popping out of the Box....oops wait that's Jack.

For most of us, coming out is a harrowing experience, full of doubt and anxiety, but it's become the milestone of being a "proud gay individual". Some of us will learn that all that doubt was misplaced, and our family will simply embrace it, or simply say they knew for a while. On the other hand, there are those of us who get cast aside, disillusioned, or simply jaded from the experience. It's up to the individual what they do from this step, do they slowly become out at every facet of their life, letting it become truly a part of who they are and an inescapable conversation, or do they become closeted with everyone hopelessly wishing they could be straight.

Well I don't know about others, but it's not really a "choice" in my eyes, so it's leaked out of every pipe and I've ran out of fucking tape. I'm gay, and it's pretty obvious to anyone who's spent more then 5 minutes with me. Once my hands start flitting about like a spastic patient and my inability to sit without crossing my leg completely it becomes public information that i'm gay. However, I've accepted all of that, the good and the bad. Being out means dealing with the bullshit that people will then try to feed you, and it's really up to you to reject what you should and accept what you will.

Obviously I think it's important to, if not be proud of, at least acknowledge who you are because if you won't why should others? Fuck the ones who will try to push the bible in your face casting you down into hell, because you know what? If that's true, then they'll be right there beside you burning. Fuck the ones who'll tell you what you do is sick, because chances are they do something worse by choice. But most of all, fuck the ones who'll just stand by and won't do a damned thing, they won't ever be worth the effort to keep around.

Even if it hurts, and even if you lose a few individuals who obviously were not really friends in the first time, you need to be honest with those that matter. Coming out to me is the first step to being an adult, someone who knows themself, and doesn't buy it when others try to say that they know you better then you know yourself. (If that's true, then you are either predictable beyond words, or you're so fake you don't know who you really are.)

So I say, pop out of the box, the closet, the bathroom tub. However, wherever it is you've been hiding your sexuality, and probably not very well. Be who you want to be, create the change inside yourself. In the end you gain a lot more then you could ever lose.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

The 3 F's of Being Gay.

Fitness, Fashion, and Fun. (Whether or not it's moral, legal, or appropriate is up to the individual).

My last few posts have been, lets say drab, so I figured it was time to talk about something more fun, lighthearted, and yet still close to my heart! Suffice it to say, that while I write this, California Gurls is playing in the background, because what song is more appropriate for....most of those things? If you like you could even replace those F's with Fine, Fresh, Fierce. I swear Katy Perry could be a faghag extraordinaire if she felt the need.Now I'll admit that i have little to no real say in things fitness or fashion, but damn it, I know others who do!

Recently, as in the past few days, I've renewed my vigor towards getting into shape because as we all know the sad reality is that being in shape and having some sort of bod is simply make or break for so many people. This of course goes for all people gay, straight, transgendered, questioning.  Now my own experiences with working out is similar to an epic battle of good versus evil, where both sides consider fight but no one wins. I'll work out for a while before ultimately falling to the forces of laziness. However, this time I am making the push for a win! I'm still sore but my ability to work out is getting better and stronger, I was actually able to "run" almost a mile and a half within a 20 minute span. In the fall I will be joined by the undeniable force that is mxrosie, who is a machine in a gym. With her constantly pushing the both of us, I have high hopes that by the end of my sophomore year, I shall have the college bod that I'll be able to remember fondly when I'm old and unable to retain it.

In the field of fashion I personally have no stake, nor do I even have the remote ability to put together a "hot" outfit, nor do I have any ideas as to the rules that comes with it. I am surrounded by people who are gifted at that, and to them I say bravo. Many would think that fashion is superficial or something that a waste of time and money, but even if I can't do it, I can see the merits of being able to. Not only can you be fine, fierce, fresh, but with it comes a mindset, and an attitude that is simply beneficial to one's life both personal and professional. Being confident, sexy, and whatever attribute you want can come together and be shown off by own's outfit, and I have been around this long enough to see for myself. Perhaps one day I too will be infected by the fashion bug, here's crossing my fingers, but until then I'll simply lean on others to do it for me! Of course there is a fine line between being fashionable, and a condescending arrogant person, but it's a clearly drawn line that's easy to see and avoid. In the words of Vinh | Vuitton, "Fashion is a lifestyle, not about this season's 'it' item".

Fun, in any shape or form is always something that I'll hold dear to me, whether or not it causes me to balloon up like perhaps, a rectangle. Of course these days everyone thinks that having fun requires a gallon of liquor, and sometimes it does, but there are other things you can do. I myself like going out dancing at clubs, when i can drag my friends out to go with me anyway. Hell, in a place like Austin you have to learn to like to do somethings outdoors, like boat parties, kayaking and even hiking once or twice. And if those things don't sound particularly fun...always keep in mind that attractive people like to do outdoorsy things to keep in shape and to maintain their tan skin.

Regardless, today is Father's Day, so I hope everyone is out spending time with their dads, and if they are no longer here, celebrating in their spirit. Have a good day everyone!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Curious Case of Avan the Gaysian.

Just like every other single person, gaysian or otherwise, out there I occasionally think about why is it that I am single.Which of course, involves looking over past relationships and crushes, leading to me wanting about a tub of ice cream and to smack my head against the wall repeatedly.

You see, I think everyone that dates settles into a pattern, of what they do repeatedly to start, extend, and then inevitably destroy a relationship, until they finally break out and start doing something more then just "date", but to actually and truly "be" with someone. To me, saying that you're "dating" someone means nothing, and in the case of many of my friends, that's what it eventually amounts to, nothing. And I am just the same.

Looking back on my dating life, if it's even enough to call a life, I've realized that my own pattern is quite ugly. Well as my friends used to put it, when i was still doing the whole "cruising" scene, my requirements were, no joke, :
1. He must have been raped (While this sounds horrible, as it turns out, it was pretty much true)
2. My fellow gaysian must have already talked to him (Which i suppose means I only like rice queens? some food for thought).
3. He must be latino, or some deviation that i could find suitable (Which did not include phillipinos)

This is of course, after I had actually dated two guys, well...dated one guy and "testdrove" another, neither of which ended very pretty. Ironically I still talk to both, not on the daily, but it's not as awkward as it could be. I say this of course, after an entire semester of ducking out of streets, and literally running away from my first ex until I decided it wasn't worth it.

But for all my requirements, and hang ups on dating and love, I've come to realize that once I like you, even if I stop, I refuse to let go of you totally. Regardless if it hurts, and regardless if it'd be easier for the both of us if i did, I simply cannot. I end up talking to my exes about their new boyfriends, which admittedly doesn't hurt anymore, and help them anyway I can within reason. Yet it's the ones that I liked and that "got away" that I have the real issues with.

Those are the ones that it feels like i'm being stabbed when I talk to them, and for some reason they always feel drawn to me with their emotional baggage, as if we all don't have enough on our own. These are the ones that tell me about who they like and are chasing after, and that I'm forced to comfort while wishing I could be the one they'd chase. Indeed, I am "that guy".

Yet, for all the pain this causes, and the fights that I have with friends because of it, I wouldn't change myself. This is who I am. Someone who cares for others more then he should, because that's all I know how to do. It's such a contradiction to who I am, but in a way, it's the only way I can feel alive. Through the bullshit I constantly dredge up from my past, through my inability to feel emotions as everyone else does, through all the loneliness that every person holds, which I refuse to ignore or hide like so many others. We are born as people who require affection and the need to socialize, and as such it only makes sense that we live that way.

I'm not trying to say that everyone's pattern is particularly bad, or that I'm suddenly off my own, or that I'm even trying. What I am trying to say that whether what we do works or not, the very fact we keep trying means something. And what so many people forget as they say "It never works out, it never has worked out, etc" is that, in life you only need it to work out once.

~I'm your biggest fan,
I'll follow you until you love me...~

-That's right bitches. I'm going to hunt you down until I get the conclusion I want.